My Story
The following is a composition of numerous events in my life where I now have discovered I was abused by my late Mother, Physically, Emotionally and Verbally.
"My mother was controlling, manipulative, attention and sympathy seeking, she would say things to others about me that were just down right lies, as a child she would lock me in a dark cupboard and leave me there for hours, she would often hit me, she beat me with a broom, her shoes and fists. After I left home she resorted to other forms of cruelty, emotional violence, one year on my birthday she openly told me she hated me and had spent her entire life trying to destroy me, even just before her death she orchestrated things to ensure I was to become an outcast to other family members, she would say one thing to me and something entirely different to others, for years I blamed myself and believed I must be a bad Daughter, I now know that's not true, I didn't have the problem my mother did, now she is dead I am finally free."
Read on.....
(in brackets are my approx age at time)
I had no idea I was an abused child let alone adult, I know that all through my life for as long as I can remember I had a very on/off relationship with my late mother until her death in April 09. I kept most of what she had done to me and how she had treated me cruelly to myself, however as a result of what I have learned since her death I have now decided to put my side of the story out there, I know the truth and the following is it.
My mother locked me (age 3+) in a cupboard under the stairs, I was at that time an only child living with my parents, I only had to look at my mum wrong and she would then drag me off screaming no mummy please don't please Ill be good, but she just ignored me and put me in the cupboard, I would scream and cry and plead with her to let me out and promise her anything she didn't once relent, however she did always allow me out in good time before my Dad was due home, he never noticed Id been crying or if he did she made up some tale about me having fallen over or done something so she had smacked me, I never told him she put me in the cupboard because I was too afraid she would put me in it again for telling him, to this day I don't think he knows I kept out of her way most of the time through fear of the cupboard, this continued until I was 5 or 6 yrs old.
My Mum would also leave me in the house alone for hours saying she was going to my Granny's house and told me not to go outside or try to get out if I did she would put me in the cupboard, I would spend the time looking out the window waiting for her to come back, I know I was scared and frightened being on my own, she used to get on a motorbike just down from where we lived, out of sight of my other Granny's house, whether she went to my Granny's or not I never asked, somehow now I think the man on the motorbike was probably another of her lovers, she had plenty of those through the years, I'm even thinking that could have also been behind her putting me in the cupboard, it would certainly make sense for her not being bothered by my pleas to be let out if she wasn't there she wouldn't have heard them.
Right from when a small child (age 6/7) I had been considered the "black sheep" of the family, my younger sister and brother could do no wrong, on the other hand I could do no right, I had also been thrust into the role of eldest child due to my older brother being adopted at age 7, he was born before my mother got married and had a different father to my sister and I. I wasn't a model obedient child by any means, I often got up to naughty things child like but considered naughty, my Mothers youngest brother used to get me to steal things for him from my Grampys bedroom, I was often unable to get back out the way I had gone in through the window, because my Uncle and his friend disappeared as soon as I had given them what they wanted, this meant I got caught in my Grandparents bedroom more than once. I got into trouble for that often, I didn't realise that I was stealing the things I didn't consider it stealing but of course it was. I also remember a time when a friend and myself (aged 8-9) decided to go carol singing we collected a lot of money or so it seemed to us, my Granny caught us took the money from us both and marched me home of course it did my reputation as being bad no good.
I was age 9/10 when Mum hit me with the broom, I went to school and was called into the headmasters office and asked lots of questions, I discovered I had green stick fractures in both of my arms where I had put them up to cover my face and head, I didn't let on Mum had done it for fear of more of the same. Mum used to often beat me about the head and body where there would not be any marks or none visible, most of the time I had no idea of what I was supposed to have done wrong if anything, Mum would hit me for no reason and any reason, I mean hit me in the adult sense often it would be about the head with her fists, I often had lumps on my head under the hair. Even if I had not done a thing wrong I was still blamed so in the end I gave up trying to protest my innocence, I knew that I wouldn't be believed no matter what it was.
When a child whilst all others of my age were out playing, (age 9/10+) doing what children do I was not allowed out unless I took my younger sister with me, then along came my brother so then I had to take them both with me on the rare occasion I was allowed out. Not long after my brother was born I aged 12 was left to change him, bathe him, feed him, dress him and to put him to bed, I did same with my sister too, my brother and sister being 7 and 12 years younger than myself, I did this right up until I was at least 16.
I also did all of the cooking and cleaning, washing, etc, things my mother should have been doing, I was doing from about age 9 onwards.
Both of my parents worked so it was left to me to get my siblings up and ready for school and the childminder, which I did for several years until my younger brother was approx 4/5 years old that's when I left home. Until this time from when my brother was born I had been his primary caregiver, I taught him how to dress himself how to tie his shoes tell the time and other things usually catered for by a child's mother, I even took him for his first day at school.
My Parents separated when I was 16.
I left my mothers home aged 16, having arrived home late (about 30min) one evening I noticed the house was in total darkness I went inside as I did my Mother started to hit me about my head and body with her stiletto heeled shoes, she had been laying in wait for me. The very next day as soon as I had a chance to get out of the house I ran all the way to where my Dad was living, I never returned to live with my mother after that day.
I escaped the physical violence at age 16. Mum moved to another town when I was 19 so I didn't see much of her after that.
In 1990 my sister died, that's roughly when the emotional abuse started, a few years before my sister died my mum told me she had a heart attack, then not long afterwards a triple heart bypass operation, so I began to contact her on a more regular basis thinking she could possibly drop down dead at any minute, I also discovered my sister had been told I hated her, I don't hate anyone not even my mother not even now.
(Mum lied about her so say Heart condition for over 20 years, I found out it was all lies on 17/4/2009)
The year of my Sisters death my ex stabbed me, a few months later I heard that my ex had been to visit my mum and that she had agreed with some things he had said practically condoning his actions. At about the same time my mum was running a cleaning job in some offices, a male friend of mine began working with her whilst they were working my mum said terrible things about me, that I was a liar, untrustworthy, had loose morals that I was mentally sick, at roughly same time I would get phone calls saying she was ill and most of the time I dropped everything to go see her.
Some days I would spend all morning on the phone with her on one such day, she wanted me to go to see her so I went, she was actually in bed with the flu that time, so I stayed there for 1 or 2 nights whilst there I came across a letter she had written to a friend of hers, I spotted my name so I read it the letter was one long whinge from her about what a callous and uncaring heartless person I so say was how I would lie to her cheat her out of money and god alone knows what else she caught me reading it, so I asked her why was she saying those things about me that they were all unfounded, she became angry and violent and went to lash out at me, I held her off when she calmed down I let her go, I asked her why do you dislike me so much, to this she said I hate you I've always hated you and I've spent all my life trying to destroy you that day also happened to be my Birthday.
Although it shocked me to hear her say this it was something I had felt deep inside me for a long time, I left and had no more contact with her after that for over 18 months, at the time I had £3 to my name and about half tank petrol and I was living approx 60 miles away. It took me years to accept that a Mother could hate her own child. I went to see her some 18 months later and we patched our differences, from then (1994) we had a fairly civilised relationship as far as it goes, although we still had the odd spells of falling out and no contact things went on in this way until May 2008.
She started to phone me often asking me if I could lend her say £100 this was becoming a regular occurrence, one day she rang me in tears saying she was going to have the bailiffs at her door if she didn't pay off her catalogue, for goods my younger brother (allegedly) had from her catalogue, he had not been making payments for them, I was suspicious about her story so I asked her to let me know who to make a cheque payable to I sent over a cheque for the full amount to clear up the whole debt, £750 approx, I suggested in future not to bother with mail order catalogues. I continued giving her £500 here and there, I gave her money to go away on holiday £1000 , this continued up to Xmas 2007, her birthday in the January (2008) I gave her another £500. She had by this time started expecting me to give her money.
The final time of us having a no contact phase happened in 2008 I had been giving her lots of cash my finances were good so I would often give her £500 here or there I paid her phone bills, took her cigarettes and money every time I saw her, she soon latched on to me then, at first I was happy to give her a few hundred here and there, I would estimate I gave her £5000 over some 3-4 years, I didn't once ask her what she had done with any of it. In May 2008 she rang me and was dropping hints about how she had no money, however by then I had wised up so I told her I couldn't help her out, upon hearing me say I couldn't help her out she said well you're no good then and hung up. From then I stopped contacting her until early December 2008, I rang her and we were OK again however she kept saying if you come over at Xmas be nice be good, which puzzled me so I asked her what she meant, She never gave any logical or straight answer.
I wasn't asked if I wanted to go to her place for Xmas Eve she just took it for granted that I would.
About 2 weeks or so before Xmas I went over to see her, she told me that my younger brother had again had some goods from her catalogue, value (£1000+) a cousin of mine was there when she made this claim. She again started on about be nice be good, I said to her Mum what are you on about why do you keep saying be nice be good to me I am not bad friends with anyone I don't have a problem with any of the family, then it started to dawn on me she was saying that because she had been telling lies again, to some family members namely my 3 cousins who had no reason to not believe her, until then I got on well with all of my family apart from one Uncle.
One evening about a week later I popped over to see her, (to take her 200 cigarettes) she was alone, she came out with the be nice be good line again this time I wasn't going to let it go, then she came out with some total fairy story claiming that myself and a friend had years beforehand robbed old age pensioners, apparently we waited outside post offices for them to get their pensions, and once they had we then robbed them WTF! I think she had told my cousins this complete and utter bare faced lie, she may have even added that she was scared I would do the same to her.
Her claims of my so say robbing pensioners had no connection to her saying be nice be good, in her saying this she had given herself away, and inadvertently told me what she had been telling others, I didn't however realise this until later hindsight is always 20/20!
I told her that she was wrong in saying I had robbed pensioners, that it was a total and wicked load of lies which she knew, I could tell by her reaction and how she didn't try to dispute it when I said it was completely untrue, of course though that was to me, now though I'm sure she claimed I got angry or violent towards her when she relayed the nights events to my cousins or any other family members the next day. I shudder to think what other outlandish tales she told others about me this was one such tale I wouldn't put anything past her now.
On this same occasion I also took across a piece I had written about her life to be included on a family history website Ive created, when she read it she became extremely angry then turned on the tears, and went on to say that what I had written others were not aware of and knew nothing about her past etc, she was really angry violently so I am sure if she could have got to me she would have hit me, the tears of course led me to believe she was upset so I apologised and told her I wouldn't add it to the website, which I didn't. What I had written though was just the truth.
I had unknowingly exposed her and all of her secrets, she had been telling others how good and kind she was and there in black and white was the truth about her, her misdeeds and lies were laid bare right in front of her eyes she threw me one evil look, I had done the one thing I should never ever have done I had the means to expose her, and she was going to do something to ensure I could never ever reveal what I knew to any other family member and that's what she has done.
I didn't get a Birthday or Christmas Card from her that year (08)
Also at Xmas 2008 myself and 1 of my brothers had given money to my mother for her to get what she wanted by way of Xmas gifts, (she always wanted money) I could afford to do this, however my Brother was struggling financially so I guess he would have found it harder to give her money. My Mother and My Husband were in the kitchen my niece joined them, my H carried on making tea my Mum was talking to K my H overheard my mum telling K that she had given her £20 however she would give her more later once we had all gone. When told of this I was disgusted, how ungrateful and thoughtless of my mother to give others gifts she had been given she knew my brothers financial situation, yet she took money from him only to later give it to another, not only was she favouring one Granddaughter she was doing so using the money she was given for Xmas.
I had already decided I wouldn't be giving her any large amounts of cash ever again, and being told of this was as good as confirmation that I had done right and that she wasn't at all grateful, Just Greedy .
Years earlier I had had a Will drawn up for her at her request it was done legally. I also made promises to do things for her after she died, so when during her final week on earth I heard from my brother that he also had a will and he was intending to arrange the funeral and carry out her last requests, I was surprised but told him I wouldn't stand in his way I also mentioned that I too had made some promises to Mum, my words were ignored now of course I know why. I was actually very upset at the time especially when it became obvious I wasn't going to be given the right to carry out my promises, my Mum spoke of my having her Will only 5 or so weeks before she died, I could have easily contested the other Will however I didn't think it worthwhile, she only had a few items of sentimental value anyway.
She was in Hospital for the last weeks of her life each day my cousins and uncle kept a vigil at her bedside, I found this a strange thing to do every day, I dismissed it at first until one night I rang to enquire how she was and I was asked who I was so I told them her Daughter, to this the nurse said but her Daughter is here with her now I told the nurse that wasn't possible because she only had one Daughter, I soon caught on.
I decided to look into some of what had been going on so I set about investigating, from what I've learned she told the hospital not to leave me alone if I visited her, because I would possibly take things out of her hand bag or tell her I wanted money, she told them the same evil story about my so say robbing pensioners, that I often became violent towards her in person or when I rang her, that I had virtually terrorised her and threatened her, so could they ensure I was not at anytime alone with her, to keep her purse in the safest place if not I would steal it again!!
I was allegedly a drug addict I always wanted money from her, these also being the reasons for my not to be left alone with her, She told them I would try to get her front door keys, because I wanted to get into her place to go through her belongings and take things, she claimed I had not bothered about her when she had been in hospital, that if I did ever visit it was only to try to get more money, I am supposed to have threatened and intimidated her, and god knows what else that I'm an extremely violent person, I scared her on a regular basis she had tried to disown me but I wouldn't stay away.
However they said she was beginning to lose her mind so perhaps it was due to that so I let it go. She had lied about her so say having congestive heart failure she said she had heart attacks in her 50`s she had her first heart attack in (08) her 2nd about 10 days before she died.
I visited her on April 17th 2009 whilst there she whispered to me to get something for her so she could die, I asked what she replied heroine I had no intentions of doing anything of the kind I wouldn't know how to get hold of it anyway, however as soon as I had gone and she was alone with a nurse she told them I had told her I was going to add some heroine to her drip so she would die soon, I am assuming this reinforced her claims of my not to be left alone with her at anytime.
I did notice that not long after myself and my Brother arrived at the hospital on Saturday 18th April 2009 the nurse came along and took down her drip it wasn't empty, she took it down probably to ensure I had not put anything in it, then they put her bed directly opposite the nurses station and never moved from the desk which until then had not been manned by any of the nurses, from that day onwards I was not contacted by the hospital to inform me if she had worsened. When I left the hospital on 18/4/09 they had told me I would be notified immediately if her condition deteriorated, I wasn't informed.
With discovering the above its now as clear as glass why my family turned hostile, why they didn't want me anywhere near her place, etc. I had a feeling that something had gone on that she had said or done something in order to cause my family to exclude me, and I now believe that the above must be connected.
I would say My Mother was wicked and evil when she said she hated me she had really meant it.
In my opinion everything my Mother claimed I had been towards her of my always wanting money from her etc is the total reverse, money is not my God if I have it I have it and I will also share it, as for her possessions she had nothing worth having or what she did had been given to her as a present at one time or another, I had no need to do any of what she claimed. All I have discovered just proves to me what a nasty person my Mother was, she projected her nastiness on to me and replaced it with my good characteristics everything she claimed I am she was. She also sold a wheelchair my friend had loaned her.
She somehow managed to arrange things so that at no time when I did go to see her (at her home ) was any other family member there apart from say Xmas or her Birthdays she managed to keep us apart, so of course what she was telling others didn't ever get back to me, plus others didn't see how much I had done for her all others knew was what she led them to believe.
I am hurt however I hold no grudge.
She has destroyed my relationship with my brothers, I also know I should have severed all ties when she told me she hated me, I didn't because in my mind I couldn't comprehend that a Mother could really hate her own child, I know now that it is possible, I'm living proof. I tried throughout my life to be a decent Daughter she knew this and used it against me to further her own agenda, I've lost my family through my Mothers hate for me I can only hope she's being asked to account for her deeds.
My Mother was out and out evil I feel, I'm a survivor though Ill rise above it. Another thing My Mother did was to damage my relationship with my Dad she told him I wasn't his child.
I've also learned that my Mother told my youngest brother that she took out a £3000 bank loan, however upon investigating this I'm reliably informed that due to her age and the type of account she had, ( government issue ) she could not have possibly arranged a loan of any kind, the bank account she had did not cater to setting up direct debits plus at 75/6 years of age on state benefits and not in good health no bank would have agreed to a loan of any amount.
I am not sure and have no proof of this however I feel that she said this to my brother & his wife in order to cover her having been sent large amounts of cash on a regular basis so they were told she had taken out a loan, when in fact I had given her the money so with everything else that makes sense she would hardly want others knowing I had given her so much financial help when she was saying what she did about me, it would have been contradictory to her claims hence the bank loan story.
I know this I had not seen anything in her home when there in Dec 2008 that would account for any large amount of cash, I think she gave most of the money I had given to her to my brother & his wife, if she didn't then I guess the tooth fairy had it, I am not bothered what she did with it more so what she did against me with it. She often bought peoples affections and made out she was so generous of course she was with the cash I had given to her, it all makes sense now.
written on 11th June 2009 edited 21st August 2011
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